Signals From Space 5 (Earth Land World Visitation 2)
EARTH LAND WORLD VISITATION, PART 2
I was taken by the police to a cage. A cage was the most common type of container used to store criminals.
Once they'd walked away, I searched my cage. Criminals usually attempted to leave when put into cages, so the guards had likely left clues on how to do this. We believe this to be another example of what humans call "fun."
Sure enough, I found a magnetic iron rod hidden in the mattress. In addition, under a loose tile I found a "donut," or our best approximation of one.
"I must urgently defacacte," I yelled. This was a way to attract the guards I had seen on the broadcasts. "Make haste! My posterior cannot contain the foul excrement within me much longer!"
The cop approached my cage. I waved the donut in the air, then tossed it behind the cop.
The cop oinked and spun around before throwing himself upon the donut.
I stuck my magnetic rod out of the cage and collected the keys from the cop's belt.
I unlocked the cage and crouched as I moved away. Humans have difficulty detecting someone who is crouching.
I made it into the yard where prisoners were moving earth while cops gave them nicknames like "Fly Larvae" or "Algae." I joined in. Once we had finished moving the earth from one side of the yard to the other, we got to move it back again!
This could theoretically go on forever, but I wanted to see what happened next.
As I left the prison gates, I was ushered into another building by a human wearing a robe and wielding a hammer. I took my spot in what I now understood to be the Optimization Arena.
"You have the right to a champion. If you cannot afford a champion, a champion will be appointmented to you by the Optimization Arena," the Judge said.
I looked over the stands until I found a suitable champion: a female human in a suit who wore glasses. "Will you be my champion?" I asked her, holding out some of my money.
She took her payment and made her way to the front. The prosecution (another park guest) had also chosen their champion. Their champion was a clown. I'd never seen a clown chosen as a champion before, so this was sure to be interesting.
The champions began engaging on verbal combat.
"Where were you on the night of July 25th 30 Earth Orbits ago?" My champion said.
"ERROR. Date predates this Unit's construction," said the clown. The clown then pulled out a pie (a projectile weapon of clown-design) and hurled it at the judge, who was hit in the face where it exploded into a white goo. Fortunately, clown weapons had a very low fatality rate, which was probably why it was humans and not clowns that dominated Earth.
"Motion to hold the opposing champion in contempt of court," my champion said.
"Motion granted," the judge said, before striking her hammer against her podium.
The other guest now stood up and spoke, "Can I have a hammer too?"
"No," the judge said. "Only the judge or a constructor may have a hammer."
"Can I be the judge, then?" The guest asked.
"CALCULATING." The judge said "Very Well. Motion Granted."
The former judge and the prosecutor guest then switched places.
"What should I do now?" The new judge asked.
"The battle will continue until you give a ruling. Your ruling is final," I informed them.
"In that case, I give you all authority over this park and any other miscellaneous Earth decisions."
That concludes my account of my Earth Land World Visitation. And it is because of that chain of events that I was later recruited as ambassador to Earth.